I’m 30, and some fine lines appeared on my face this year. It was my first full year as an unmarried woman since I was twenty years old.
It’s been a revelatory year. I’ve half-but-mostly-seriously joked that 2015 brought the first conscious decision I’ve made in my life: to quit my job and travel the world, and do this thing I’d regret on my deathbed if I didn’t do. No one believes me when I tell them I haven’t mindfully made any big decisions in my life. “But what about getting married?” Well, I was still in school and we were deeply in love and without a green card, he would have had to return to Brazil, so we felt like it was our only option to be together. “But what about getting the job at Google?” They called me, and I almost said no. “But what about college, or moving to Austin, or…?” I mostly just went with the flow, and did what other people suggested or wanted me to do. It just mostly worked out in my favor.
Wait - I just realized I am wrong. The first big decision I made in my life was to file for divorce. I remember the feeling when the light went on, when I realized that was what I was supposed to do, and it was okay. I had agonized about the decision for years, but suddenly, I had this incredibly sure feeling...like nothing I’d ever felt before. I suppose I’m on a roll, because that’s the same feeling I got when I decided to write this book and go on this soul vacation, as I call it. I hate when people say ‘when you know, you know,’ but it’s disgustingly true. It’s a gut feeling - like actually a feeling of surety and contentment and excitement in your gut, and a feeling of lightness and joy in your being. I’m basically an expert, since I’ve felt it twice now, right? But don’t misunderstand - there is also doubt in there. While all those beautiful feelings are present in your gut and your soul, your brain and your fear Eeyore their way through from time to time. But I’m stubborn as hell, and once I’ve really, truly made a decision, I’m going to stick with it, if nothing else but to save face. Which is exactly why when I decided to divorce, I filed the very next day. And when I decided to quit my job and travel I told everyone I knew that I was going to do it. I knew doubt would creep in and I’d change my mind so I created barriers for myself.
So, in less than thirty hours, 2016 will begin. My new adventure will start but I suppose it already has. They say things happen in threes, right? I wonder what my third big decision will be. I’m not worried, I know I’ll know. For now, I’m going to enjoy the right now and live my life, dammit, lines on my face and all.